Aries:
It's in the wind, it's all around you. Love? No, asbestos. You're fucked mate. I told you to get that certificate before you pulled that shed down. Not sure why I bother. Don't expect grapes in hospital.
Taurus:
Strong, reliable Taurus. You could be stronger though and as the moon is in the third house this month, take this opportunity to buy those steroids from Big Dave at the gym. Ask for Winstrol. It's the SHIT!
Gemini:
People are talking at work and it's not that jacket/blouse (how the fuck should I know? I'm not psychic you cunt) you just bought. You're weird. You're weird and that thing you do with your nose you think is 'cute' really isn't. It makes you look like you've got Bells Palsy. PACK IT IT! Your feminine and masculine natures are connected but that's the least of your problems.
Cancer:
Your philanthropic side may want to come out and do good works today, Cancer. Your default mode is to care for others but you're very good at overriding that and senselessly murdering strangers. Swings and roundabouts innit.
Leo:
It's going to be a funny old month for you. You'll come into money but you'll also get caught wanking into your Mam's purse. It's not for me to judge but you'll probably go to Hell. Get all of the facts before you proceed.
John Virgo:
That waistcoat looks WELL PENG! Nah bruv, it really does! Fortune favours a televised 147 and a weekend away with Richard Hammond and Dave Benson Phillips. Proceed with caution.
Libra:
The scales are balanced finely but you're one up after you smashed that hard drive. The beak and the CPS have got fuck all on you blud.
Scorpio:
Mustn't grumble eh? That QuickQuid loan has just cleared with a mere 1247% representative APR. The extra nightshifts will cause your wife to leave you, but you'll have enough left for a brass. A classic Scorpio, you know how to prioritise. Bravo!
Sagittarius:
Why are we here? What is the purpose? What is the plan? Don't we flatter ourselves when we indulge the idea that this vast cosmos has a specific destiny in mind for each of us? It doesn't.
Straight up. It's an unfathomable void of nothing stretching to the far limits of the expanding singularity. Eat chips for luck and you'll get a tiny pay rise that takes you out of the Tax Credits threshold.
Capricorn:
Summer is here and you need a reward.Treat yourself to a holiday in Jersey. Buy a Cornetto. Eat the cunt on the beach, eh? You can't though! That bastard divorce is costing you a shit-tonne. Cheat fate by watching every episode of Bergerac in a tan leather jacket. Get used to it. This is your life now.
Aquarius:
You'll re-connect with the inner you at a liquid drum n' bass night in an old pottery studio come warehouse space.
Pisces:
Fucking getting sick of this now. Taxed this last part off of Justin Toper. Fucking Nutkins-a-like owes me a score from that thing we did at that gaff anyhow that time. 'What took place recently has no doubt left you shell-shocked or put you on alert. Suspicious, or what?! Fortunately, a partner or accomplice is sure to come up with an idea that cannot be dismissed too lightly today. After which, you should be able to gamble at leisure'.
Till next month.
Dan. X
We've featured Traxx a few times now here on TOLAS but this new mix from the people at Red Light Radio is an absolute blinder. Recorded for them during this years Dekmantel festival in Amsterdam it's a 2 hour, freeform radio jam that touches on almost every genre, no matter how obscure, you care to mention. Do yourself a favour and jam in in your ears, REAL LOUD!
Till next time.
Big love. Mark. X
