Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Here man! It's Mike Rolfe's Music Review, hew!

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Are you in need of some new music in your world? Bored with your iTunes library? Looking to spice up your collection of EPs? You got ears? YOU GOT EARS IDIOT? Well, sit back, relax and read on, my Rocker Boys as we let  Mike Rolfe, Newcastle's moodiest musical polymath and it's third biggest bastard give you a guide to the 5 next big things!

M.R. - "Here, right! Listed below are, like, five fucking artists that I reckon are about to take the music scene by storm. Get to know these hot up-and-comers and be the coolest Guitar Man on the block, for once in your life!

First up is a band called: Fat Feet Foot.

Who Are They?: Based out of Byker, this band has legs for days. No but it does. It’s just legs AND fat ones, too. These fat legs sing at you with such passion, you’ll be like, “oh.”
Critics agree, “what” and “the hell is this.”

Sample Song Lyric:' I walked into your house and what did I see / piles of knight statues looking at me / what the hell is this shit, Jim?'

– from “He's got piles”

Where to catch them next? In a bin somewhere.

Next up it's a group of lads calling themselves: The Golden Chip, Chip Shop But A Band.

Who Are They?: Imagine if your favorite chip shop/legal high retailer was a band! Then forget about that, because that’s not what this is! 'The Golden Chip, Chip shop But Band' are three big lads from Prudhoe who don’t know what words are but when they hold hands, music happens for some reason. The Evening Chronicle calls them, “probably not music and actually kind of frightening.”

Sample Song Lyric: Why do you have a crow in your bathroom / I thought it was a towel and it bit me.

– from “Why Do You Have A Crow In Your Bathroom?”

Where to catch them next?: This, like, barn.

Next up it's the turn of: 'Juuuuuust Kevin!'

Who Are They?: 18 blokes called Kevin who sometimes team up and use their hands for instruments! I saw them at Cluny 3 the other week and the only things I said all night were, “they’re just clapping” followed by, “I think I’m going to go do something else.” Thats ALL I COULD FUCKIN' SAY MAN!!

Sample Song Lyric: Let’s hit the dance floor / we’ll do it right / come on let’s dance / gonna make you feel like you’re floating / hang on you’re actually floating, oh god you’re a ghost.

– from “Come On Let’s Dance Wait Unless You’re A Ghost."

Where To Catch Them Next: Your lasses house.

Next up we've got: Doorwayzz With Feelingzz.

Who Are They?: Get ready for the most unusually sexual, actual doorways you have ever fucking seen or heard of. They're CLASS! You’ll feel extremely uncomfortable and go, “Is that a door?” followed by, “Fuck,, what’s it deein'?” when they take the stage and do properly strange things with each other while also somehow singing with nee mouths, man.

Sample Song Lyric: Give me your hand / let me hold your hand / I want to hold your hand / wait is your hand a fin, what the fuck?

– from “Yee Wanna Hold Handz (With A Doorway, like?)”

Where to catch them next?: Your lasses, lads hoose.

Lastly it's: Derek-Upon-Tweed.

Who Are They?: Derek-Upon-Tweed are the newest music trend to sweep the nation and have headlined literally every single music festival of 2015, sometimes being the only act IN THE WHOLE SHOW and just doing their set 19 times! Listen as they flap in the wind, hypothetically AND literally punching its contents into your ears. But don’t just take my word for it!

“I love Derek-Upon-Tweed!” said one 2015 Ingrum Valley Music & Arts Festival attendee.

“I’ve been to every single one of their shows. What better is there to do with your life than follow D.U.T. everywhere?” said another.

“I think that with that rubbish bin onstage they're trying to say something! I don’t know anything!” another person just like shouted at me, rudely.

Sample Song Lyric: You make me feel so safe and so right / in your arms, I feel the warmth and I feel the light / you have 8 arms and, OH SHITE! YOU'RE A FIRE OCTOPUSS!

– from "Yee've Got Owa Many Arms”

Where to see them : Everywhere! Everywhere!!!! Everywhere everywhere everywhere everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Till next time.
You can all PISS RIGHT OFF!! Mike. X