A pair of annoying, directionless, wretches, Daniel and Mark are Newcastle's premier soothsayers, astrologers and intuitive healers. Their incredibly specific astral chart will plot your month ahead. Dan has weird fat legs and Mark is licensed to carry neither a badge or a gun. Regardé.....
Aquarius - All your Koi carp have died from being fed Wotsits. This might leave you vulnerable to joining Isis. Find a hobby. Zumba is popular with the general public. Failing that, Mabe treat yourself to something long and expensive. Not 3 weeks in St. kits, though. Maybe try a solid gold hose pipe?
Pieces - Your contact lens has slid down the back of your eye and is resting on your frontal lobe, causing flashbacks to traumatic events. Wear an old Brian Robson era Man United shirt for energy.
Aries - Your Mooncup has become lodged in your friend’s U-bend. Extract it immediately or risk ruining their housewarming. Tuesday brings luck with a windfall in the form of a years subscription to the jelly of the month club.
Taurus - As a Tauren, you're loving but stubborn. This translates as fat and lazy. Don't bother with that dress from the ASOS sale, the colours are off and you'll trip over that 3 bar heater in your takeaway strewn bedsit. It and by extension you, will go up a fucking charm. Luck wears bootcuts in Ladbrokes.
Gemini - New love relationships start up and then seem to spontaneously combust; But so will you. Enjoy it but do not count on it lasting long. Established relationships experience short term turmoil...because as I just mentioned, you fucking blow up.
Cancer - The astral energy is kicking in and you feel the need to socialize and get out to any meetings or parties that you have been invited to. If you have nothing to attend (far more likely) then try creating an occasion of your own such as; Spirit Cooking with Marina Abramovich, Ghost Hunting with Bez or Great Canal Journey's with Timothy West & Prunella Scales, you will have some great conversations, from which an interesting relationship could develop. Please remember though, this is all in your mind and you've not left the house in weeks you deluded clown shoe.
Leo - Wow! What a month for you fucking massive haired kitty cats! Where to start? On the plus side You'll enjoy arrogant theatre, stubborn holidays, self centred colours and inflexible fun with friends. There's a always a flipside though, so be prepared to be creatively ignored, generous amounts of brutal reality and cheerfully not being treated like a king or queen. Fair one.
Virgo - Weirdoes find you irresistible. You’ve always dismissed them in the past. Maybe give one a chance, as all the normal people are now taken. It's helpful to remind yourself that most Virgans do indeed die virgins and that love sounds like situationist disco. KEEP YOUR EARS OPEN!!
Aries - The Ram, or to give it its Sumero-Babylonian name 'The Agrarian Worker', although let's not dwell on that in the current climate as you'll not be able to go to DisneyLand Florida with Dawn & the kids for sounding like a Muslim collectivist. Imagine that, a Muslim Socialist! I'm on a watch list for just typing that shit. Let's be honest, You are a cunt though, so that travel ban is a timely intervention and I hope they extend it to you.
Libra - You’re thinking about getting a St Bernard but consider the size of his stools before taking the plunge. You are allergic to a rare strain of pollen which could result in blindness or death. Luck smells like the number 4.
Scorpio - You will suffer an electric shock while repairing your toaster, causing you to miss an episode of MasterChef. Hopefully a neighbour will be around to prod you awake with a wooden stick. Matt Damon says to give up on your dreams. It's never going to work.
Sagittarius - Your production of Swan Lake is tired and unoriginal. Why you gave up a well-paid job in advertising to concentrate on shit like this is beyond me. Those barrels of agent orange you have stored n the garage may come in handy when bribing critics. Failing that, decimate the foliage round their homes with it. See how they like the fucking neighbours peering into their gardens when their fat wives are barbecuing two dozen hens for a snack.
Capricorn - Time to get your moles checked. That one on your back in the shape of Africa has developed a sinister crust. Beware of men from Barkshire, tree bark, and barking dogs.
Till next time.
Big love. Mark & Dan. XX