Sunday, 21 July 2013

"Dead or alive you're coming with me."

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I’m not a fan of Robocop. Its a faintly dreary science fiction franchise about a metal cop who clanks and whirs his way through three incredibly depressing films, and barely manages to stop some men doing some crime stuff with some things that they made. It’s so boring there’s no point remembering who the villains are and exactly why they have to be stopped. The only thing to remember is that Robocop himself is a boring tin-man. A tedious motherboard in a tin hat. A rubbish Terminator. A normal man wearing a terrible fancy dress constume.

He’s also absolutely rubbish. There’s never been a more terrible super-hero, though I doubt he even qualifies as one?! For a start, there’s his shit suit. It looks like a fancy dress costume of the character he’s playing. It doesn’t look like a proper suit. It looks like it cost exactly five pounds ninety nine pence at the market, and was made for someone to go to a party dressed like Robocop.

Secondly, he’s slow as fuck. His walking speed is about two miles an hour. Thank God for cars, because if he didn’t have one of those, he’d be fucked. "Oi, Robocop! There's a terrorist attack you need to stop. Three days to get there? Okay, cheers then."  By that time shit is fucked up and the hostages are dead! There’s a reason there’s only one Robocop. He’s a prick. They only keep him around to laugh at him. The other cops are fleshy and weak, but at least they can get to a crime on time, and dodge a fucking bullet. Robocop is a trudging vending machine who wanders blithely into bullets and bombs. He’s a cock. There’s no stealth for a start! He makes more noises when he walks than a bag full of cutlery being tossed down a fucking great lift shaft.

So far then thats, slow, no agility and noisy. He can’t sneak in. He’s got a jet pack, but he’s so shit at flying that he just gets missiles tossed at him by criminals who luckily miss all the time due to their aim being so bad because they're pissing themselves laughing at the flying bin!
The only thing in his favour is ability to withstand damage. That’s because he’s so shit at everything, it’s all he can do. He just stands there, looking like a plastic prick, while being hammered with weaponry. It works to a certain point, until someone sticks a bit of dynamite into one of the holes in his crap armour, then bang, he’s fucked.

Robocop gets regularly trashed. And the ONLY reason he survives is the same weak humans he’s supposed to be better than fixing him up like a weary car owner who desperately hopes it will stay fixed, so he doesn’t have to buy a new one. “Oh. Robocop’s trashed again. Fuck’s sake. Okay, we’ll patch him up and send him back out to soak up some more bullets, the tin tosser.” That’s the gist.

In the LAST film (Before this awful series comes back in 2014) at the very last scene, Robocop has to fight two scary Japanese bot type things. He manages to spar with them for precisely twenty seconds, before they knock him over. He gets out of this by lying motionless, while some woman and a kid sort it out for him. It’s like an adult pretending their shit kid is good at drawing, when the kid keeps showing them another picture of a dog that looks like a shit tossed into a ceiling fan.

Robocop is a cunt.

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