Wednesday, 2 July 2014


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"Haaargh! Haaaaaaaaaargh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaargh! There's water water everywhere but not a drop to drink. But empty vessel's make more noise," a wise man once said.
It's a fact of life that hookers, lesbians, Gianluigi Lentini's French bakers haircut when he signed for Milan, Lester Freamon off of The Wire and Rubicon fruit juice are the coolest things to have roamed the planet. As well as Pirates of course! In order prove this fact, and it is a fact and as part of the annual 'Pirate Week Celebrations' I've put together a handy go-to reference guide to the Champions league of navel badmen full of iron clad facts and stats as proof of this. Enjoy. 

Francis Drake: Probably best known for his prowess at Crown Green Bowling and his dope MCing skillz, Sir Francis Drake was an Elizabethan privateer with an evident hatred of the Spanish. Not content with routing their Armada, Drake routinely attacked and robbed Spaniards at every opportunity. His attack on Cadiz and along The Veronica's in Tenerife are the stuff of legend as are his devastating raids on the Spanish Main, earning him their fear and grudging respect. In his ship The Golden Hind, Drake Was the first Englishman to circumnavigate the globe, even claiming a portion of California for Queen Elizabeth along the way and installing Errol Flynn as it's first governor.

Henry Morgan. The Welsh pirate plundered robbed and generally annoyed the Spanish on their own so-called Main, ie; their South American colonies. In 1668 Captain Morgan attacked the Spanish mainland, plundered their cities and had it on his toes with a quarter of a million pieces of gold. Later he led an army overland to plunder Panama, but short of food and water, his men were forced to eat every dog, cat and mule they could find. Morgan still managed to sack the city, before doing a nash with most of the loot for himself. He was later knighted by Charles II, made Governor of Jamaica and later, Mayor of Bensham. A position which had just been vacated after 2 terms by Graham Cartwright.

William Kidd: Having initially received a royal commission to apprehend pirates in the Red Sea and Indian Ocean, celebrated 17th Century British outlaw Captain Kidd decided being a pirate was much more fun. In 1698 he took his most valuable ship, the Quedagh Merchant on a looting and pillaging spree along the North American coast, but a year later, suddenly worried about getting caught, Kidd scuttled the stolen ship with it's huge treasure haul and travelled to New York to persuade it's governor of his innocence. After a likely rebuttal of, "You're a funny fuckin' guy, yeah, you're like a fuckin' comedian! Why I oighta,,,,," Kidd was extradited to England and hanged. Despite receiving a fabulous character reference from Errol Flynn.

Long John Silver: With his eye-patch and talking parrot, Silver was a big noise in the Pirate biz. Immortalised in early issues of a Haynes publication penned by Robert Louis Stevenson,'The Granada 3.0 Ghia Owners Manual', Silver spent his time robbing ships and burying the treasure on small islands all over the Caribbean. His fondness for cabin boys called Jim, pieces of eight, "Hahahahaha's" and "me hearties" were legendary, and some sceptics have even claimed that Stevenson made the whole thing up. Some historians claim that Long John invented underwear, and his first mate, Dave 'Jolly' Rancher, a happy-go-lucky type, gave his name to a famous mint.

Captain Pugwash: First off, lets get one thing straight, he never had a crew member called Seaman Stains, or Bot the cabin boy or anything daft like that, though Bosun Cunt-chops (pronounced 'Cunt-Chops') was a trusted confidante of his. The erstwhile cap'n of the fearsome 'Black Pig', Pugwash was one of the most violent and psychopathic pirates ever to plunder the Spanish galleons of the new world. Legend has it that Pugwash would flay the skin from his Spaniard captives to make fashionable scarves for his cabin boys in order that they would look 'smart' next time they dropped anchor in Ibiza and nipped down the Ku. Pugwash was in fact such a nutter that his ever nervous crew defected one by one until they left him with just a skeleton crew to man his ship, and when that ran aground in Jamaica, he was captured by a group of native 'badmen' who proceded 'dash him up' then tore him limb from limb. Contrary to popular belief, at the time of his death Pugwash had retired from competitive beatboxing.

Anne Bonny: The best-known female pirate, Anne Bonny was said to be a "Well endowed lass with a fiery spirit and a temper that matched that of Quincy M.E.". Fighting in men's clothes, she was a bit tasty with a cutlass and was first over the side with any boarding party. In 1720, when Anne was still only a 20 year old hewa, her ship was captured in the Caribbean, but she escaped execution on account of being up the duff and then mysteriously vanished from official records. She is thought to have been ransomed by her father and allowed to start a new life in America becoming one of the original members of Destiny's Child. She later married and had 5 children, possibly with Errol Flyn.

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