IT'S MYSTIC DAN AND HE'S BACK AGAIN TO TELL YOU WHATS IN STORE FOR YOU IN THE COMING MONTH!
Can you hear a high pitched whistling noise? Yes? That’s because your hearing is fucked. On the plus side, tinnitus is really handy for getting out of social events.
Time to de-scale your kettle.
Your inflatable neck rest will pop on a long haul flight. Long story short: NEVER FLY AIR BALTIC unless you want chronic whiplash.
Wear blue for a pay rise. Probably.
If your hamstrings are tight, wait until the full moon wanes… or see a physio.
You are trying to find new ways of making money but remember, it’s illegal to sell firearms on eBay.
When in a rage, you have a look of Beryl Reid.
“Everything comes to those who wait.” This is a lie. You must prise yourself out of your armchair if you do not want to die alone.
Your low arches are giving you a shit-tonne of gyp this week and a fall from a window will result in shattered calcaniums.
You will win a bucking bronco competition but knock your front teeth out in the process. That’s life! We are all on a one way trip to a pine box. Console yourself with a custard tart.
Don’t bother going to the dentist; he is giving you fillings you don’t need for the cash.
You took more tinned peaches than strictly necessary to May’s Harvest Festival and your generosity will finally be rewarded in the shape of tickets to see Derek Acorah live.
Your head will swell up when you supplement your income by taking part in medical trials. Wait for it to go down before getting your new passport photo or you will be setting yourself up for a whole new heap of shit.
Your bed sores are getting worse. Get a friend to flip you over occasionally.
Most Virgos can tell when Mercury is in retrograde because their shins will ache like billy-o.
Stress will cause you to take up shoplifting. You will be caught red handed with a bag of Babybels. Embarrassing. Though It didn’t do Winona Ryde r any harm did it? She went on to make the film Black Swan where Natalie Portman gets muffed out. You haven’t seen it – treat yourself!
You will fail your driving test theory for the 47th time. Next time, try cheating by writing the answers up your arms or sleeping with the man who marks the papers. This all depends on how big your arms are and what the examiner looks like.
Mars will cause you to slip a disc, spilling your coffee and scalding your feet, meaning they swell up and you have to get your Dr Martens cut off/surgically removed. Your Dr Martens can be replaced. Your disc, however, is utterly fucked.
You will lose your dachshund to quicksand on Tuesday. Try not to dwell on his demise, it was mercifully quick (hence the name ‘quick’ sand).
Wear a copper bracelet to ward against rheumatism and making friends.
Love and vibezZzZz.
Mystic Danz. X
Well then! Thats your stars for the month, now a bit of music to calm you down or more likely put you in a bad mood. The latest in the 'Needle Exchange' series birthed from my very hand. 2 decks all live, one take as per usual. The first half is a bit like Jackie Chan who after taking offence to an embarrassing etiquette gaff would engage you in two hours of elaborate pre-fight rituals before employing a joiners stool in a comedy manner to win a brawl then the second is more like Chuck Norris who'd just give you a spin kick round the back of the neck and call your missus a cunt. Anyhow, there's tracks from Rodion, Manfredas, The Off Key Hat, Andy Blake and Tim Fairplay, Munk, Headman, Mutado Pintado & The Sworn Virgins, etc, etc, so if thats your swag, have a listen! Or not. X
Till next time.
Big love. Mark. X