Monday, 21 September 2015
"The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again. "
Unless you've been living under a rock - or simply went to bed early - news broke last night that our Prime Minister, Mr D. Cameron of 10 Downing Street in that there London, got up to some particularly iffy stuff with some unprocessed bacon in his youth. Only now that the internet's bewilderment has begun to subside and the smoke clear can we evaluate the impact of his alleged fumbles with a dead farmyard animal and what it means for his future. Now David Cameron has been accused of being many things during his tenure as leader of this country – but 'Pigfucker' is the latest allegation to be thrown his way. The former Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party (and Dave's mortal enemy, kind of a Skeletor to Cameron’s self appointed 'He Man') Lord Ashcroft has written a biography titled 'Call Me Dave'. Now this isn't a book I have or ever intend reading so I have to admit that my knowledge of it's contents is entirely vicarious but from what I can gather it reportedly places a seedy filter over the lens of the PM’s less-than-impressive behaviour at university, with allegations of drug use, trashing restaurants and now, inserting genitalia into a pig’s mouth as part of an initiation process. The story has been recounted by a yet to be identified associate of Dave's who is also an MP. It apparently all went down on a night out with the Piers Gaveston society (a notorious Oxford dining club) when as part of a bizarre initiation ceremony a prospective member (in this case Mr. Cameron) was required to lob his old chap into a dead pigs gob. That the dead pigs head was resting in the lap of another member when Dave decided to pop his own member into it is yet to be confirmed but apparently there is a photograph of it but that's yet to surface. The book also claims that Cameron smoked a bunch of weed at college and hung out with James Delligpole and listened to a lot of Supertramp, and to make themselves sound even cooler they called themselves the 'Falm Club'. Now not to defend Cameron but smoking a bit of weed isn't a big deal. I'm pretty sure that everyone reading this has done it I think it's probably more of a big deal why he felt the need to give the most mundane and common activities like smoking weed and going out for dinner ridiculously extravagant names by turning them into clubs or societies. The fucking pretentious dickhead.
But to inject a bit of context into the pig-tale, Lord Ashcroft is a New Zealand born billionaire who pumped £8 million into the Conservative party and served as a former party treasurer to the Tories up until 2010 and was once
firm friends with Cameron. Now this is where things get sticky, Lord Ashcroft was promised a job by David Cameron, once he was victorious in the 2010 election but things didn’t quite work out that way. It was soon revealed that Mr Ashcroft had not paid taxes on his UK overseas earnings in which David Cameron claimed to have had no idea about. Ashcroft, begged to differ stating the Tory leader was aware of the situation from 2009. Now a single, anonymous source and an unverified photo is hardly rock solid evidence. Especially in an unauthorised biography from a man who has very publicly fallen out with Cameron before the last election. However none of that stopped the internet chasing the comedy with the now inevitable/tedious spoof Twitter and Facebook accounts springing up seconds after the story leaked. If you can actually be bothered to navigate your way through all the gloating and ribaldry, there are a few top drawer gags to be had though. Now for Cameron and his spin doctors this is actually quite a serioss pickle, especially this talk of photographic evidence, and however unlikely that might be, a denial is therefore risky without complete confidence there’s no way any such thing happened. In this sort of scenario, you really don’t want to be caught telling, ahem, porkies. There are also valuable social benefits to the news. It’s Monday evening and it’s been revealed – David Cameron might have put his dick in a dead pig’s mouth, meaning that there’s way more to talk about at the water cooler or in the pub than usual. Do say: "Whoa, have you heard that the Prime Minister has been accused of sticking his dick in a dead pig’s mouth? Weird, right?" Don’t say: "Have you ever fucked a dead pig? Till next time.