Sunday, 19 June 2016

Fat Neil's 'Bitesize Pastime Paradise'. 1# Smoking.

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Are you looking for a new hobby that will exponentially increase your odds of developing oropharyngeal cancer and make you look like a sweaty minor New Jersey mob boss from The Sopranos? Hate kissing people and being able to differentiate flavors? Then perhaps cigar smoking is for you!

Choosing Your Cigar - A good cigar is plump, fragrant and tightly wrapped with no dry spots or cracks. If yours is hard, red, and white, it may be a stick of rock.

Clipping - You know how in films and that, the tough guy bites off the end of the cigar before lighting it? Try it! Now throw out the cigar you just fucked up and get a clipper. Circumcise that hog carefully for a nice, satisfying draw.

Lighting - It's considered poor form among aficionados (or "cockheados de cigarros") to light your cigar with a regular lighter. Use wooden matches or a butane torch lighter to avoid the mockery of bald blokes with bad breath. If the cigar explodes, stop accepting smokes from wacky cartoon characters.

Smoking - Take a deep, powerful drag of smoke directly into your lungs. At this point, you should be choking/vomiting/questioning my reliability as an instructor. Cigar smoke is meant to be puffed into your mouth, then released slowly, like a sexual, malodorous dragon.

The Conclusion -You're finished when you've ashed to the paper band. Enjoy the tingle and pleasant dizziness of nicotine in your bloodstream. Try to ignore that your mouth tastes like you ate a rat that died in a turd fire.

Happy smoking!
Fat Neil. X

1 comment:

Cliffy Fraser said...

The world needs more Fat Neil.