Thursday, 10 December 2015
Dunsford, the renowned bastard reads your star chart for Christmas.
Acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, Daniel Dunsford charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-8788 (calls cost £15 per min).
Capricorn: You will fall down a flight of stairs this week, losing three teeth and puncturing a kidney. On the plus side you will get a few days off work. Also, your eczema is making you look like The Singing Detective – cut out wheat. Or something.
Aquarius: Your spirit guide is trying to get through to you. Stop cock-blocking him. Do not be afraid; he is only trying to help you find your car keys. Wear blue for energy.
Pisces: Most of your friends find you tiresome. Develop your third eye and give something back to the world. Your decree nisi will come through on Tuesday.
Aries: Events triggered by Saturday’s full moon are all very well but won’t stand up in a court of law. If you are thinking of taking a lover/buying leather trousers, wait a couple of weeks as it could be the male-menopause kicking in.
Taurus: The love of your life has married someone else. Move near a 24-hour Tesco and buy a dog instead. Your legacy will be found at the bottom of a lift shaft.
Gemini: You will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders tonight when you are finally cleared of that grievous bodily harm charge. Celebrate with a selection of cheeses from around the world.
Cancer: A touch of the green-eyed monster gets you this week when your best friend wins the Costa book of the year, for his novel Girl With a Great Big Fucking Club Foot. Chin up, its not the Man Booker prize and, remember, the Pulitzer is still up for grabs!
Leo: Your invitation to go on Fifteen To One must be turned down unless you know your capital cities. Otherwise you will be a laughing stock. Do not get into an Austin metro. Ever.
Virgo: Your TED talk will be cancelled this week when you are bitten by a Westie and contract lockjaw. Also, your loft conversion will encounter a delay in completion when a corpse is discovered behind a loose beam.
Libra: That sports jacket you bought from the charity shop has an evil spirit attached to it. Find a local priest or an open-minded dry cleaner.
Scorpio: It’s been noticed you’ve taken to wearing a roundhead helmet on dress down Fridays. Do you have bad taste? Or are you having a nervous breakdown?
Sagittarius: Keep hold of that Co-op funeral care leaflet that came through the door this week. I don’t want to frighten you but there will be some sort of hang-gliding incident on the 17th.
Till next time.
Keep it spiritual. Danny. X