Thursday, 10 December 2015

Dunsford, the renowned bastard reads your star chart for Christmas.

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Acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, Daniel Dunsford charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-8788 (calls cost £15 per min).

Capricorn: You will fall down a flight of stairs this week, losing three teeth and puncturing a kidney. On the plus side you will get a few days off work. Also, your eczema is making you look like The Singing Detective – cut out wheat. Or something.

Aquarius: Your spirit guide is trying to get through to you. Stop cock-blocking him. Do not be afraid; he is only trying to help you find your car keys. Wear blue for energy.

Pisces: Most of your friends find you tiresome. Develop your third eye and give something back to the world. Your decree nisi will come through on Tuesday.

Aries: Events triggered by Saturday’s full moon are all very well but won’t stand up in a court of law. If you are thinking of taking a lover/buying leather trousers, wait a couple of weeks as it could be the male-menopause kicking in.

Taurus: The love of your life has married someone else. Move near a 24-hour Tesco and buy a dog instead. Your legacy will be found at the bottom of a lift shaft.

Gemini: You will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders tonight when you are finally cleared of that grievous bodily harm charge. Celebrate with a selection of cheeses from around the world.

Cancer: A touch of the green-eyed monster gets you this week when your best friend wins the Costa book of the year, for his novel Girl With a Great Big Fucking Club Foot. Chin up, its not the Man Booker prize and, remember, the Pulitzer is still up for grabs!

Leo: Your invitation to go on Fifteen To One must be turned down unless you know your capital cities. Otherwise you will be a laughing stock. Do not get into an Austin metro. Ever.

Virgo: Your TED talk will be cancelled this week when you are bitten by a Westie and contract lockjaw. Also, your loft conversion will encounter a delay in completion when a corpse is discovered behind a loose beam.

Libra: That sports jacket you bought from the charity shop has an evil spirit attached to it. Find a local priest or an open-minded dry cleaner.

Scorpio: It’s been noticed you’ve taken to wearing a roundhead helmet on dress down Fridays. Do you have bad taste? Or are you having a nervous breakdown?

Sagittarius: Keep hold of that Co-op funeral care leaflet that came through the door this week. I don’t want to frighten you but there will be some sort of hang-gliding incident on the 17th.

Till next time.
Keep it spiritual. Danny. X

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