Tuesday, 22 December 2015

John Lydon's 1977 lost tour diary.

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February 8:
First show of the tour. We were supposed to be playing on a boat on the Thames but our label forgot to book the boat. Our guitars got very wet and a fish stole my punk hat.

February 15:
Second show. We opened with “Rebel Against Ham” and the crowd went nuts, they tore the venue apart and rebuilt it as a nicer venue with better acoustics. The owner was very pleased, he’s booked us to play next week in his lopsided gazebo.

February 21:
We picked an album title. We wanted something that said all the other music is bollocks, all you should listen to is the Sex Pistols. The album will be called “Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours”.

March 2:
Our new single “Piss Up The Queen’s Fanny” hit radio. Bit awkward, I caught a bus and the Queen was on it. She asked if we had any new songs, I mumbled something about blueberries and got off even though it wasn’t my stop.

March 5:
To promote the single we did a night of mischief. I knocked over a bin, Steve shouted at a big wheel, Glen stole a traffic cone, Paul burned down Buckingham Palace.

March 6:
Bit of a backlash after the palace burning. The press didn’t like it one bit, and the label cancelled our sold-out gig at the next venue on the tour (Buckingham Palace).

March 11:
More bad press. These headlines are really savage: Reggae Ruffians, Rasta Reprobates, Dub Deviants. Oh wait, those are about Bob Marley and the Wailers pushing a shopping trolley full of corn into a pond.

March 20:
The single went to number one! But those bastards in the media are trying to cover it up. They’re claiming what’s on the top of the charts is A Pleasant Birdsong by A Lovely Sparrow. Glen’s gone to teach that smug bird a lesson.

March 21:
Glen fell out of the tree. He broke fifty of his ribs. The doctor said it’s a miracle he had so many ribs. He’s quit the band to pursue a more lucrative career in being dissected.

April 3:
We’ve got a new bass player. He’s called Sid Balanced Lifestyle. I told him he needed a more vicious name, so he changed it to Sid Centipede. “Have you ever been bit by a centipede?” he asked me. “It hurts more than you’d expect.”

April 10:
Debuted a new song, “Big Ben Is Not A Good Clock”. The man who owns Big Ben was there, he got sad and cried. I felt bad, don’t think we’ll do that song again.

April 15:
Oh dear, I’m starting to suspect Sid is addicted to “horse”.

April 16:
Like I said, I’m starting to suspect Sid is addicted to horses. There were nine of them backstage after the last gig, the bastards ate my big plate of carrots!

April 21:
Last night the Disco Duck opened for us. We were so blown away by its talent and professionalism that we decided there was no point in continuing with our amateur efforts. The Sex Pistols have broken up. I shaved my orange hair off and fed it to a dog. Punk is dead.

Till next time.
Big love. Mark X

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