Wednesday, 6 January 2016
DunSfORd DoeS The StArzZ!!
As the chimes signalling clean slates and big plans fade away into the ether, we asked ace contributor, Fat Dainel Dunsford to let us in on his resolutions and to share some thoughts for the next raft. But seeing as he is rapidly balding and has only stuck to precisely two resolutions ever (the first was to not do the ironing and the other was to stop saving clothes for best) we thought it best he just did his usual job and cast his mystic eye over what influence the planets have on us over the coming month. Regarde,,,,,
Aquarius: All your Koi carp have died from being fed Wotsits. This might leave you vulnerable to joining Isis. Find a hobby. Zumba is popular with the general public.
Pisces: Your contact lens has slid down the back of your eye and is resting on your frontal lobe, causing flashbacks to traumatic events. Specsavers: 0208 3724587.
Aries: Your Mooncup has become lodged in your friend’s U-bend. Extract it immediately or risk ruining their housewarming.
Taurus: George Galloway will cut you up on the M6 today. Comfort yourself with the fact that he lost his seat in Bradford West.
Gemini: Your persistent fracking will cause an earthquake. Look into more environmentally friendly methods of drilling for oil.
Cancer: You might want to freeze some eggs in case your ideal man never turns up. Remember: most people your age are married by now.
Leo: You suspect your phone is being hacked. You are mistaken. Nobody gives a shit about you or your life.
Virgo: Weirdoes find you irresistible. You’ve always dismissed them in the past. Maybe give one a chance, as all the normal people are now taken.
Libra: You’re thinking about getting a St Bernard but consider the size of his stools before taking the plunge.
Scorpio: You will suffer an electric shock while repairing your toaster, causing you to miss an episode of MasterChef. Hopefully a neighbour will be around to prod you away with a wooden stick.
Sagittarius: Your production of Swan Lake is tired and unoriginal. Why you gave up a well-paid job in advertising to concentrate on shit like this is beyond me.
Capricorn: Time to get your moles checked. That one on your back in the shape of Africa has developed a sinister crust.
Till next time.
Keep it squanchy. Dunsfired. X