Friday, 29 April 2016
Technology corner, with 'Joff'.
We all know Joff as a Man Power. The mediocre record producer and an aggressively average, jet set disc jockey, yes. And of course his BALLOONING weight issues and his ongoing battle with cough medicine dependency are well documented too. But what we don't realise is that nothing makes him happier than when he's dispensing advice and facts about his favourite subject. Technology. So, as a favour to us he's agreed to impart a little of said wisdom on our readers so as such, we bring you, something we REALLY hope won't become a regular thing.
Hold tight mother fucker, it's ,,,,
JOFF'S SMARTPHONE CARE CORNER!!
1. "I spend a lot of my time on planes, trying to hold in a massive piss. If you smartphone gets and piss on it, or gets dirty, or smells a bit 'pissy', bleach works but nothing purifies like a cleansing fire.
Disclaimer: Some applications may become and unstable after cleansing.
2. I sometimes get piss on my fingers making them slippy and as a result it's often difficult to hold a smartphone. If you drop your smartphone down the toilet, simply flush the chain. If it was meant to be, it will find it's way back to you. This always works for me.
3. I'm part piss goblin so sometimes piss myself in bed which wakes me up! However if you're NOT a piss goblin and if the thing waking you up is your smartphone nibbling on your neck, it has probably become a vampire. Immediately rub thoroughly with garlic and make your lock screen image a crucifix to repair.
4. When I'm out in the countryside it's pretty much assured that if I'm not pissing all over the wildlife then I'm more than likely indulging in another one of my hobbies, 'twitching'. No, not bird watching. I my body actually jerks uncontrollably whenever I'm within 5 meters of any type of woodland creature. I just love it!
However, if your smartphone hoots loudly and pecks at you with it's beak during use, it is probably not a smartphone at all and is in fact an owl. Unless Wi-Fi enabled, your owl will not be able to display even the most rudimentary apps and is unlikely to return ANY internet search results.
Well. I hope that's answered any technology related questions. I've had a great time and I'm sure you all have too. I'm off for a piss now. Laters.
N/B: We promise that Joff will not be returning to this blog in any shape or form. X