Highly acclaimed astrologer, medium, intuitive healer, wastrel and general shitbastard, Daniel Dunsford charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the month ahead. If you would like a more in-depth forecast please call 0800 965878 (calls cost £15 per minute).
Capricorn: You are going to have 12 children. Two of them will be born without a head. It will take you a while to bond with them because of this, but eventually you will learn to love them. One of them will even become your favourite. This child is very psychic but is unable to use his powers because as I said earlier, he doesn’t have a head.
Aquarius: Next year you will become clinically obese and you will have to have a wall removed and be lowered through the window with a crane. Then you will go on a diet where you will have a shake for breakfast and one for lunch and the weight will just fall off! Don’t do the Atkins, unless you want chronic arse gas.
Pisces: I don’t see any children. I’ve got a sneaky feeling you could be barren/firing blanks. But I wouldn’t worry, many women/men have a belly full of dust/a toy gun and they still manage to enjoy their lives to some extent. Look forward to what you can in life. Even if that’s just nap time.
Aries: You bought the cookbook 'Deliciously Ella' hoping that if you eat enough vegetables you will look like her. You won’t. You will still look like you (i.e. a waxen effigy of Danny La Rue) but with lovely pink intestines.
Taurus: You will fall out of a treehouse this week, hitting the ground so hard that your shinbones come out of the tops of your shoulders. What are you doing pricking around up treehouses anyway?
Gemini: You will find a Fabergé egg in the street this week. On closer inspection you will see it is actually a Cadbury Creme Egg. Do not eat it! Bill Cosby used to inject Creme Eggs with Quaaludes to lure in his victims.
Cancer: My guardian angel is telling me you have a small Japanese man who goes everywhere with you. His aura has attached itself to yours. This is why you keep setting the alarms off in shops.
Leo: Your metal detecting uncovers an ancient roman goblet. Get it on eBay before Tony Robinson gets his mucky paws on it. Your pet terrapin will crawl into the washing machine and narrowly survive a cool silk wash.
Virgo: You will be caught short on the London Eye, forcing you to relieve yourself in a champagne flute in front of a group of Japanese tourists. You are considering becoming a druid. Maybe grow the fuck up.
Libra: I’ve got a recently deceased old woman here and she’s telling me you fell off a horse when you were three months old, but I think she’s full of shit. If you are a chap, you will marry the Irish one from Girls Aloud. She has a habit of spitting at old people, but otherwise you will have a very happy life together.
Scorpio: I’d be very surprised if you didn’t end up being fucked ragged this week, or at the very least, interfered with on a shuttle bus. Wear pink to vibrate at a higher frequency.
Sagittarius: Your dog has been behaving like an arsehole again. Remind him that he is not insured and will never make it on his own. You will find a human hand in a Sainsbury’s trifle. You have definitely not won a prize.